Hey Beauties and Beasts, Hope you’re all groovy.
I’ve always been one who can adapt to change quite fast, might be hard at the very start but I am able to come around in the end. However, I don’t think adapting to being pregnant is anything that happens over night to be honest! Well definitely not for me anyway. Fears of motherhood have consumed me so much that it’s stopped me from being able to fully embrace my pregnancy despite the fact I’m actually excited.
Any emotions that I’ve ever experienced in my life, have been intensified on another level that I don’t even think words alone could help you fully understand to be honest. Throughout my 1st trimester I was numb to any emotion because I was dealing with the horrible physical side of things than anything else and hadn’t even fully processed the fact that I was pregnant, it just felt like a dream.
However, since I entered my 2nd trimester which is nearly over, it has been an emotional rollercoaster! The fear and reality of being a mum has kicked in, It’s the fears of me not knowing what to do when my baby needs me or even know what they need, if that makes sense. Babies cry they can’t talk, so how will I possibly know what they need at all times? That’s a scary thought to me, to think I won’t always know when I’m mummy. Being a mother to my child is guaranteed for life, though my relationship with the father isn’t, I’ve always dreamt of the big white wedding and having a huge family, so for me that’s an unsettling thought to be honest. I’m 21 and I have to make sure I can provide for my child and make sure they have everything they need when these times I struggle to provide for myself at times and I still live at home for crying out loud.
I know some of my tougher experiences are what made me who I am; strong, independent and determined. However, there’s stuff I’m still trying to let go of that really affected me and tormented me in the most crucial years of my life which held me back for a long time. The fear that my child ever experiences certain things I did is agonizing! A long time ago I blamed my parents for certain things I went through and held resentment for a long long time! When actually, there were certain things they just couldn’t prevent from happening and were dealing with a volcanic relationship between them two anyway; there main focus at that time was to provide food and shelter which would seem sufficient with the circumstances they were in. I don’t think they knew that emotional needs were just as and more important than anything else for the development of a growing child.
I don’t know if anything I’ve written even makes sense because I literally just haven’t stopped typing.
My mind has been a maze and my hormones have been crazy and sometimes I haven’t made sense to myself even. Though I know ignoring my profound thoughts and intensified feelings will do me or my innocent unborn child no emotional good!
Whatever we do lays a seed in our deepest consciousness and one day that seed will grow.
Love,
L.V.Q.
THE CONSCIOUS MUM 