Hey Beauties and Beasts, It’s been a while, hope you’re all good!
Well, this post is called hormone crazy for a reason, the last couple of weeks have literally been a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. I tried to write but I was in my feelings from the minute I woke up until it was time to sleep again, some days I didn’t even know what was wrong to be honest I just knew I wasn’t feeling good. As beautiful as this journey is, It’s definitely been an emotional one too.
For weeks I was just drowning in my thoughts which were then making me feel so sensitive and emotional. Even though I’ve been and am excited about having my beautiful baby, the realisation of how scared I am must of kicked in. Like shit I’m actually going to be a mum, I’m actually going to give birth to a tiny human. The reality of the responsibility that comes with being a mum kicked in, not just making sure they have everything they need materialistically but the importance of being emotionally available to them is just as or probably even more important for the development of a healthy and happy child. I’d cry thinking like I’m emotionally confused a lot of the time myself, so how am I going to support my baby? I was reminding myself of all the things I’m not, all the things I can’t do, all the things I yet have to learn, unintentionally tormenting myself making me feel like I’m going to be an unfit mother.
In short I basically felt like I’m not even worthy enough to be a mum if that makes sense. That feeling went on for a couple of weeks, I literally shut out everyone and people’s presence alone was enough to irritate me, a wreck I tell you. Shutting people out though made it worse because it got to the point where I wasn’t even trying to acknowledge what was going on, I was more so managing it everyday as opposed to dealing with it. Just going to work, coming home, eating and going to sleep, avoiding communication with anyone and suppressing my feelings. Catching myself, unloading to my partner and dealing with what was going on inside is what I needed to do to understand what was happening and get past it.
Part of me not wanting to open up to anyone especially my partner, was not wanting to make myself vulnerable or have people thinking I can’t cope because I’m usually the strong one who knows how to deal with whatever comes my way. Truth is, I’m not superhuman, in fact I am just human. I’m allowed to get scared, I’m allowed to have insecurities, I’m allowed to cry, I’m allowed to feel like I’m going crazy sometimes. What I’m not allowed to do is ignore it, If I want to understand and grow, it means facing the things that make me uncomfortable even though it’s far from easy!!
Anyone can hide, confronting things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong!