With you I’m whole that’s why I keep chasing you. I’ve searched for you everywhere, in people, places and even objects. I thought I found you, but every time, you’ve been short lived – why can’t I find you?
Being the only girl in my family, other than mother, people would assume ‘princess of the house’ was my character. I mean, I’d be lying if I said there were never moments where yes, mum, dad and David treated me like royalty. However, far from erasing the frequent and high in complexity turbulence’s that stuck to me like hot glue during my years of development, years of confusion, loneliness and escapism.
Constantly searching for something to fill the void that had been created within – desperately wanting to replace it with a sense of purpose and power – yet every-time it arrived it came with a timer and just like that it’d disappear, almost every-time leaving me where I begun, unravelled and misunderstood. Over time expectations, standards and needs are born and come into play – when not met generating hurt, rage and anger. In a work meeting my colleague said “we live in anger when our needs are not met but sometimes our choices after meet them neither” – I had to say “stop and repeat what you’ve just said”. I’ve been working in conflict management for years but never have I had a greater epiphany moment like when I heard this being said.
Before having Myla it took me some time but with practise I became much the expert in meeting my own needs, expectations and standards, learning I could only do this by looking after my mind, my body and my soul – with my 2Litres of water a day, my night runs to Blackfriars bridge and my activeness in pursuing my goals and much more. Certainly a time in my life where all that I chased before, love and happiness, was practised daily and at it’s finest. Don’t be mistaken, Myla was the best thing to ever happen but when they say having children is magical yet a challenge, don’t underestimate neither of the two. It’s straining when your married, imagine having a baby with someone you love but still getting to know – now that could be recipe for heartache for everyone involved.
After having Myla no longer were meeting my needs a priority, no longer being practised but put aside, I had to immediately learn to tend to hers, whatever they were – all whilst recovering from a three day trauma labour ending in caesarean, adapting to life of a mother and a housewife, moving from London town to what I used to call ‘dead town’, leaving behind all I’ve ever known to live somewhere I’d never known, experiencing a form of isolation I didn’t know even existed and last but not least coexisting with half open wounds of a lifetime of trauma.
Instantly I became Lorena who to mama do, trying to keep it together but instead lost myself in the midst of it all. My external was no longer about me so internally I became bare, forgetting it was there. Allowing my suppressed subconscious take over, you then became responsible for meeting my needs, expectations and standards – though that isn’t fair- having read this can you really fault me?
Love and happiness – it comes from within yet if not practised others become accountable. In this life we are living, were constantly being tested and it’s okay if we fail because if we choose to, it’s when we fail we progress.
With All My Love,
L.V.Q.
THE CONSCIOUS MUM 