A year later – it still amazes me that I held you inside of my body whilst you developed from a foetus to a baby, then quite literally, entered the world while exiting from my very womb. The truth is I’ll never truly grasp it!
You blessed my life the second your presence was revealed. Though let’s be honest, I had no clue what life would look like or how I would provide a fruitful life for you. But the one thing I did know for certain, was that baby, you were staying. Whilst I sat on my bed staring at the wall in shock, I gently cupped the bottom of my stomach with my palm (way too early to cup anything but it’s a pregnant thing) and whispered to myself “we got this”. Now, I may have come to terms with it almost immediately but the thought of telling family and friends made me feel sick, that nervous sickly feeling that just sits and hangs in the pit of your stomach.
I knew my parents were going to absolutely freak!! Not because they didn’t want to be grandparents but because they wanted me to live life a little you know, travel, be successful and most importantly, married – the traditional type they are, bless them. Them being a tad bit disappointed was the least of our worries because, well they’re your grandparents, they were bound to get over it once they saw your cute and ugly newborn self. The real fear was telling daddy, fearing he would ask me not to have you. Clearly I didn’t know him at all because whilst yes he was shocked, he was talking baby names five minutes later – what a big fat phew that was.
Once that bit was over, it was time to enjoy the growth of your precious little self!
Let’s just say pregnancy was one of the most magical times of my life. After the foul first trimester that is. Looking back fills me with an immeasurable amount of happiness knowing that I made the most of every moment I carried you. Every waking day felt like a celebration, celebrating you, your development and your presence in my world. People would tell me that towards the end of pregnancy I would feel exhausted, desperate and restless. I can confirm I felt none of these things, though when people asked how I felt, I would say, “just want baby to come out already”, because I felt that’s what people expected me to say. Deep down though, I’d hold my huge round tummy and tell you there was no rush. Something I haven’t actually confessed before today, is that I was insanely scared to give birth! I never shared my truth because I felt embarrassed, I mean the world is made up purely on women giving birth, so why feel scared? But the thought of you coming out from my tiny little womanhood, honestly frightened me. Especially after being told you were so big that I could face complications. I began tormenting myself by thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong, the fear of potentially ripping, tearing and fatality even crossed my mind. These irrational yet real fears eventually consumed me entirely. In hindsight, It may well have been me who caused the trauma birth we had. Unlike your mother, you were ready girl. Midwives could feel your head moving like a top spinner – you came out with a dent in your head for crying out loud. Determined and strong from early or what.
Your determination and strength has only continued to manifest throughout. From desperately wanting to hold your head up days/weeks after being born, to becoming wildly frustrated because you couldn’t sit up or do anything on your own and now wanting nothing more but to be supported whilst you walk and even attempt to run – your funny girl. Everything you do light’s up my freakin’ world. Wait, your crying most certainly does not light up my world and we won’t go into details because I’m feeling positive. All I’ll say is that torture is what it feels like when you free the lungs and call me crazy, but I wouldn’t wish for my old life back because your soul satisfying smile grabs hold of my heart and drives me crazy.
My first year as a mummy and your first year of life has been a journey indeed, filled with many ups and plenty of downs. But throughout it all, we’ve been side by side, relied on each other and kept it going. I never knew just how much having a baby would change my life, besides it being extremely challenging at times, with you in my life I’m constantly living a fairytale. Every hug, every kiss, every smile and every new development is magic. Watching you sleep, I can only think of how powerless I would be without you. You keep your mama well and you keep me from turning frail.
The love and strength you provide me with Myla, is out of this world.
Te Amo Amor.
Love,
L.V.
THE CONSCIOUS MUM 