ONE YEAR LATER…

I never imagined ever reaching a point in my life where I’d own the title, ‘single mum’. A wedding, a beach wedding to be precise and a never ending fairy tale love was what I unquestionably believed awaited me. I blame Disney. And though many are blessed enough to experience the magical dream, many are not so fortunate.

Though I still carry hope that one day I may just find my Prince Charming who’ll love me forever, bless me with his name and grow old together. The dream just isn’t that simple anymore. No longer is it just I they’ll need to love, but me and mine they’ll need to cherish. I come as a package, it’s not just me you’ll need to learn about. And if it’s only half the package you desire, then we can go no further. You see now, the dream just isn’t that simple anymore. Once it was all so simple and something I wanted, but finding love just isn’t on my agenda anymore. The heartache of my family break up still breaks me daily till this day.

My little princess going back and fourth between mummy and daddy breaks my heart because I only ever feel her true peace within when we’re all together. I know she loves her mummy, most days she’s stuck to me like glue, she loves her daddy too, but she gets a rush of emotions when she see’s him at the door when he picks her up because she doesn’t understand why it’s only mummy she wakes up to every morning. Her tears when she leaves leave me broken, I just can’t imagine the impact her words will soon have when she starts talking. Seeing them off for the first few months I’d hand her over, return to our bed and drown in my tears of sorrow whilst her favourite teddy, Winnie the pooh, comforted me until I felt somewhat relieved and assured she had settled.

As she reaches out to me when she returns, I can still sense her uncertainty for a little while after. Latching onto my body is a must while she takes a moment to re-adapt to home, her uncles and grandparents. Princess soon becomes the life of the house again, and just like that our week of just her and I starts again. Co-sleeping was never really a thing when we were a family, I taught baby girl how to comfort herself from just months old. That was one of my earliest achievements of motherhood which came to an end soon after I split with her father. She used to sleep through the night, but once her routine had been disturbed her sleeping pattern changed for the worse. It’d hit midnight and she’d be standing over her cot crying for dear life, at first I let her cry convinced she’ll learn to settle down but instead, with time her cry became a cause for a concern. I thought I was doing something wrong but it didn’t take me long to learn to appreciate her sweet snuggles whilst we slept. And now, it hurts to sleep without her little legs.

Feeling guilty has become the norm, we’re to blame for her constant change of environment, she felt all the pain we caused each other whilst together, and now she continues to absorb the challenges we face while we learn to co-parent. I’d hate to think we’re the reason she grows with pain within needing to heal from anything we’ve done. It isn’t all bad but it’s one or the other, we’re either at war or making love. Setting boundaries is still quite fuzzy, the hurt still lives but so does the love. In an ideal world I’d have my family back, but everything we’ve said and done has cut so deep, we can’t take that back. I’m open to love but it still doesn’t seem real that it might not be with the person I had a child with. I get told that this is normal now we’re in the 21st century. I’m sorry but I couldn’t disagree more, I might be old fashioned but that’s the way I see it. I can’t imagine doing my family things with someone who isn’t daddy. I’m simply gathering my thoughts and this is how I’m feeling. I didn’t just want someone to have my kids with, I wanted someone to live my life with – we’re not together but your in my life forever. Still struggling to come to terms with how things worked out, It’s not what I wanted but it’s the cards I got dealt.

I’m just hoping time really does heal because my heart can’t deal. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting my baby girl so we better reach a place of peace. I want to rid this hate I feel for you but everything that happened, one year later, still creeps on me. I can’t think of anything worse than to get back with you but I can’t help but consider it when I occasionally lay down with you. It’s crazy because it wasn’t always like this, you had the ability to make me laugh until my tummy ached. Being with you was an experience, we had some fucking good times and I wouldn’t change any bit of it. I’d like to think you feel the same, I know I’ve been a bitch but you’ve been a cunt. They say opposites attract and I thought that’s what it was but we just took the piss with it, we were worlds apart. I still want my fairy tale ending but to be honest, Myla keeps my hands full plus I got so much to do. Securing her future is a priority second to none, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth so the time I get to myself isn’t for fun.

One year later and I’m still finding my feet because this whole single mum thing is peak.

— Lorena Vargas