The mind will often test your sanity, but the soul will find your light and guide you on your journey.
One after another, they cut each other up and even fight each other – it’s hard to block them out because they want to make sure I know they’re here. They don’t visit everyday but when they do I feel they like to compensate for the time they’ve not been here. If only they knew they had my permission to stay away and not disturb my peace and aura.
I wonder at times if it’s me who lets them in and gives them gestures that signify they’re invited in, if that’s the case that’s not my intention. Peace and sanity – thats my craving. The sweet taste of internal freedom and abundance of pure love – that was God’s intention.
Not the love you feel today and dies tomorrow, but the love you feel today and dies with you tomorrow – completely unconditional. Do we even know what that means anymore? I mean I because there is no we anymore, you and I too busy in our minds that leaves no room for true compassion anymore. You and I go back and forth from different mental spaces, our visitors arrive at different times and fucks with our vibrations.
You and I forever in you and I that’s probably why we don’t see eye to eye.
Do they enjoy coming around from time to time, tainting my world, seeing me down and doubting myself? They can be so loud at times I don’t know if it’s me or them – screaming for me to believe them. I’ve tried telling them to leave but when I close the door they climb right back in through the window. There’s simply no where to hide when they want to let themselves in, it’s pretty certified they’ll force themselves in.
I don’t get to decide visiting times, it’s clear that it’s when they desire and letting me know isn’t required. I could be out and start acting side ways because all of a sudden I’m fucking paranoid, thinking that what I’m saying isn’t making sense or how I’m acting isn’t in sync with whoever I’m with. Even now I hope you understand what I’m saying because it’s hard to explain, they’ve been here so long I just let them wander and half the time don’t know what’s going on.
Letting them run wild and free, it can be a dangerous place to be.
Not long ago I was feeling low asking the universe why it had to be me, why’d he feel the need to make love to me when he already found someone to replace me. My life is practically his, my days are spent loving and raising what’s his. Stupid, I believed his lies when he denied his piece on the side, now every weekend they play happy family with a piece of mine. A million and one things came to my mind, I laid down at night picturing the three cuddled up in bed whilst all I had were her teddy bears. All my love and commitment to mothering our baby and this is how he repays me. He shattered me into a million pieces, laughed in my face when I asked how he couldn’t see this or how he couldn’t fathom the wrong in his choices.
They were the first to hear my screams, trying to comfort me. They told me if I disappeared light would appear, I’d feel lighter and the light would deliver and unshackle me from this suffocating pain.
Letting them run wild and free, it can be a dangerous place to be.
They’ve been so consistent over the years, disguising themselves as my rational reasoning and positive persuasion. I thought they were my friends but they’re really the devils advocate.
And still, I occasionally listen to them; it takes me time to realise it’s really them and not my inner voice. They’ll play tricks on me, make me feel safe then turn on me – have me question my abilities to thrive in my path, help me feel semi content with where I am but never confident enough to pursue the other half. They must know when to approach me, I’m sure they sense my vulnerability and wouldn’t miss the opportunity to tamper with my insecurities – pointing out every flaw and imperfection, they want to see me surrender. I’ve been fighting this battle for way too long and come too far to let myself go. They may have the pleasure of seeing me weak and tender but it’s a given, yielding my position is never gonna happen.
With so much to live for, potential yet untapped, a world full of beauty and true love before us, how can I let them win and take every bit of strength left within? I’ve spent a lifetime overcoming trauma left inside, letting go of the poison that was injected in my life, accepting my story and the things I saw with my younger eyes – now living for my daughter I can’t let them inside.
Every battle has left a scar but made me stronger, so hearing you tell me my visions are illusions and I won’t achieve my dreams, or things like: I need to get my body right, tight and figure nice to find my knight in shining armour – I have to laugh. You can scream all these things or whisper in my ears reminding me of why I’ll never be good enough and make me overthink everything but I’ve fought you before and would like to remind you all the times I’ve let you in, it’s also been for me to walk you out.
Love,
Lorena Vargas
THE CONSCIOUS MUM 