EVERYTHING CHANGED

When I went to confirm my pregnancy and the doctor congratulated me, it took me a whole minute to realise she wasn’t being sarcastic.

I always wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a mom until I found out I was pregnant. The single mom thing, Lorelai – Rory vs the world, wasn’t as romantic as I had thought it to be. I didn’t feel an instant connection to my unborn child. I didn’t get this automatic, natural mother instinct that I was told I would. Mostly, I fake smiled and held back tears because “everything you feel, your baby feels” and I wasn’t about to start motherhood with a resentful baby. I cursed the universe’s sense of humour and love of irony. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I was very much alone. Everyone told me constantly that it would get better and I wasn’t sure if I believed them. But I pretended to be, because denial seemed like the only option at that point. I watched my body transform. Everything was surreal. I couldn’t grasp that there was a little human inside of me. I tried so hard to picture you- to imagine your face and your voice. I imagined scenarios where you wouldn’t like me very much or I wouldn’t have the patience to be everything you needed. I was so full of anxiety and fears. It’s crazy to think that other women go through similar things because I felt like I was the only one.

You were born and everything changed. Maybe not instantly the way that I thought it would. The way I was told. But from one moment to the next, I started not recognizing my voice. The way it changed to soothe you. I used to be self-conscious and now I dance around anywhere and everywhere just to get you to laugh. My breasts, that I once found small and plain, are now magic. They are where you are most comfortable in the world. 

If you chose me, the way that I like to believe you did, then I think you’ll have a pretty good sense of humour. That’s the best thing I could give you – the ability to be able to laugh. I hope you laugh at yourself, at your misfortunes and the little ironies of the universe. It makes you brave. It makes you invincible. When you think things can’t get worse – they will. Then they’ll get better. I can’t imagine a life without you.

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