‘Lost my way whilst desperately trying to hold onto my vision, blinded by love so pure or lust so sweet – I’ll let the stars decide that one for me.’
Motherhood and life caught up with me, juggling too much meant at some point I’d lose my balance.
I spent most nights last year praying to God asking him to save Love for another chapter. All I needed was more wisdom and strength to continue my most important job on this earth; being a nurturing mother, a provider and creator of the future I desire for me and little madam. But life can surprise you with unexpected sprinkles of magic.
And there he appeared, a nobody who became somebody and everything to me. An infectious joyous façade yet a soft, tender soul. With every touch I could feel his spirit, his eyes spoke to mine, and our energies felt at home together.
It’d been a long time since I shared any form of intimacy with anyone: being a single mum doesn’t leave much room for that. Lord knows I love nothing more than being a mother but let’s be honest, the last two and a half years have pretty much consisted of ‘tantrums, eat, get beat in your sleep and repeat’. Considering that, I thought I could do with some spice in my life, you know. I wasn’t on the hunt for love, just a bit of comfort and company. But what happened next could only have been destiny.
The passion and chemistry, it really was like heaven to touch! He excited me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Adrenaline on an all time high the entire time our worlds co-existed. I tamed my wild side long before him; when life gave me the gift of life itself but boy did he know how to unleash the beast within me. My lifestyle compared to his was a lot more still and quiet; that was until he took me by the hand and said let’s fly together. Many warned me of his womanizing ways and told me to stay away or just enjoy our time together, but to not be fooled by his sweet words and guard my heart like you would treasure. But I don’t know, I felt it was different, our space was safe and so naturally shared delicate parts of ourselves with each other.
Humans are born wired to connect, so the more I saw his soul and what really hid behind his eyes, the more my heart opened up wanting nothing more but to understand the makeup of his essence. His journey wasn’t like anyone’s I know. From an early age to suffer loss, heartache and everything else life had in store for him; I could feel the wounds that have yet healed and see the voids he learnt so well to cover up and fill. My special soul, that’s what I called him because his endurance was admirable, his resilience was unbelievable, and his passion for life was something I’d never seen before. Our time united was like ecstasy, I became his calm and he became my storm.
But after some time I got lost in the wind…
Much of my life before motherhood was spent living recklessly, wandering curiously and embracing all levels of spontaneity. It was my way of searching for escapism. So when I was reunited with freedom, through his storm, it was too familiar and enticing. An encounter I couldn’t resist, a world at times I’d missed.
Until I was reminded, until that one night the universe had enough of my return to a blank canvas. Excessive alcohol consumption swiped my memory and stripped my dignity leaving me somewhere I never wanted to return – a lonely, dark and miserable hole.
The moment a beautiful night with love transpiring around us became dusk and all my senses drained from me. Strangely enough, it’s what I needed to see light again, that very moment I lost myself but only to find myself. I suffered the gut wrenching pain of regret, embarrassment and disappointment. For weeks I felt myself crumble and my heart in agony; trying to fathom how I got here after months of sobriety. Accepting our wrongs isn’t an easy task, particularly when we’ve been there before. But I took a deep breath and stared at my reflection; I saw myself desperate for hydration. Months of forgetting to water the roots I planted when I decided to live a lifestyle of healthy choices and changes. But investing myself in being everything I thought he needed backfired and instead, I drowned in both our sorrows.
– Lorena Vargas
THE CONSCIOUS MUM 