DEAR ISAIAH & MICAH, NOW I UNDERSTAND

From the moment I lay eyes on the both of you it was an instant love that I cannot explain. Twin boys, I couldn’t have even imagined being blessed with such a gift.

However, from the day I met you, even though my love for you got stronger, I started to lose love for myself. Every inch of my body wanted to only love you two (and your dad of course) and I had none left for myself. For the first couple of months I didn’t notice, we were all in our little bubble with daddy but after some time the haze started to disappear and when I looked at myself I didn’t know the woman who was staring back at me.

One thing I was certain about was that I loved being your mum but anything else past that felt alien to me. Time went on and as you two grew so beautifully, I grew deeper into my hole. One thing I want to reassure you about was that this was not either of your faults, this was something that I had created and I had to resolve for myself. 

Seeing your independence shine through and watching you eat by yourselves, take steps by yourselves and even start to play with each other was amazing. The beauty in this was that it was reassurance that I was doing the right thing. Reality started to hit that one day, although not any time soon (thankfully), you may not need me as much as you do this current moment. As well as this, the lack of love and care for myself was not healthy so please remember as you grow your health is so much more than physical, we need to make sure we are healthy in our mind, body and soul. 

And so, I started on my journey of loving myself again and learning to share my love between all of us. The both of you played a major role in keeping me on track and ensuring I pushed through with this journey. As hard as it may be –  it is hard trust me – it is something I have to constantly work on and when the time is right I will show you the practises that helped me to keep on track. Growing up it was not standard to be taught self-love so I have had to do a lot of learning by myself but ultimately self-love means taking time out for yourself to refresh your mind. Self-love means to know that you are valuable and worthy. Self-love means choosing ourselves even if that means sometimes upsetting others. Self-love means accepting ourselves. Self-love is choosing to build a life that we love and be happy. 

Now after two years of loving you and myself I am finally starting to become the woman I always knew I could be and I just want to thank you for coming into my life and pushing me to go on this journey, I now understand why God chose me to be your mum. 

Lots of love, 

Mummy xx

Instagram: @cillacrystal

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