I wouldn’t have believed it if I’d been told this would be your first birthday without me, not anywhere near to hold or kiss you. Only a mother who loves hers would understand the piercing pain in my heart. Your birthdays aren’t just a celebration of the blessing of life and how fast you’re growing; we celebrate you being the chosen one, the one who chose me and birthed a mum. The day you were born; I died and was reborn, the old me gone and the new me called mummy forever and a day. Life altering in every which way.
You taking precedence over everything I once thought I knew the second they pulled you out from my stomach. Thinking I was going the right way; but quickly diverted to my greatest blessing and proudest achievement; you.
Five years deep baby girl, we’ve come far and done so well if I do say so myself. I knew you were special but watching you blossom into the five year old you are today; I couldn’t feel more honoured to call you mine. I think you’ve taught me more than the other way around if I’m honest. Today you turn five little legs; it all went by like a flash before my eyes. Now I understand the relentless new born messages, “enjoy it all, they grow so fast”. I’d reply with a joyful thank you, but at times with tears in my eyes; new borns are an irreplaceable delight yet often tiring. Like my mother used to say; you’ll understand one day.
Just as your first birthday; turning five is a significant milestone in our lives! You’ll officially be starting Year One in September, a year no longer primarily focused on learning through play but through work – enhancing even further your crucial development. You’re embodying your mini independent queen more and more each and every day – on your terms. You know exactly when to flutter those eyelids, like butter wouldn’t melt knowing I’ll crumble and cave. With daddy’s long, lush lashes and mummy’s mesmerising big, brown eyes: Who wouldn’t?!
2022 will be a year engraved in our DNA. As the years pass by and you keep growing; memories will fade but the trauma stays – embedded in our minds and bodies, it comes knocking at our doors later on in life. Feeling helpless and guilty, I couldn’t save you from experiencing death so vividly. Your subconscious may hold mummy’s screams there forever. My heart aches, it breaks for you. The nightmares you’ve been having your body responding to the shock, anguish and confusion. One day you’ll have questions, you’ll want to make sense of it all. And when that day comes, just know I’ve been waiting to be nothing but open and honest.
I am in awe of you, your resilience, patience and unwavering love despite the pain we have endured. I want to say sorry, I hope you can forgive me. I am no perfect mother, but you are my world and what I live for. Mummy lost her head when Bubbi left, he’s my ultimate loss yet. And like you, I’ve been having nightmares too. You should’ve been enough to keep me grounded. Without sounding like excuses, Mummy had no clue what to do. Life struck us like lightning and turned our world upside down.
Mummy didn’t abandon you, though it probably felt like it. Five years of loving you, filled with ups and downs, but always together. Then suddenly picked up by Daddy and Mummy nowhere in sight. Four months later, the longest we’ve been apart, Mummy struggled to stay strong, crying out for help not knowing how, but collapsing into the darkest hole I’ve ever seen. For a little while I didn’t know if I’d make it out; I’d fallen many times before but never this deep.
But we have to walk all the cycle’s of our lives, baby. When the hard times come, they come tumbling down like a tonne of bricks, but there’s a blessing and a lesson to learn each time we’re hit. We’ll stumble over and over, even face-plant to the ground. But never lose faith, our comebacks are always greater. Stay giving thanks to the most high, grateful for everything – even the pain. The fight of life never ends; you can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it – but not without blood, sweat and tears.
If there’s one thing I know without a doubt, it’s that you’re never alone. God sees all and a pure heart always wins. There’ll always be blessings to count, light is restored after dark and once all is said and done; you’ll rise like a phoenix once again.
I won’t give up because it’s you and I I’m fighting for. You’re my whole heart and more. This love is infinite, it’s crippling yet it’s what keeps me going. Without you I don’t know where I would end up or if life would have any meaning. The thought alone makes my heart throb and pound. Nine months it took my body to create every inch of you, three tireless days of agony to birth you, an eternity and beyond spent loving you.
Happy 5th Birthday peanut.