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BODY PROUD MUMS

For months, my mind was fixated on the idea there was something wrong with me. Never before have I stared at myself in the mirror feeling so broken, wishing I could shred to pieces every inch of my body that was not deemed perfect or desirable anymore.

“No one will want you”, I whispered to myself as I hid buried in my towel looking for the baggiest bottoms and jumper I owned. This was the very first time it dawned on me what had become very apparent. He replaced me with somebody he was able to put on a pedestal for the world to see, her impeccable silhouette made her the perfect trophy to display and walk proudly with his head in the clouds. I was never blind to the changes my body endured after pregnancy and birth and like many I’m sure, I would often get lost in thought about it all. But, for the first time ever I was made to feel like a woman with no longer any desired value, place or purpose in this man’s world.

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A FIGHT FOR US

On a day like today exactly four years ago, I was preparing to meet you in person for the very first time. Since then, I’ve watched every milestone, witnessed you becoming a big brother twice and very soon I will be walking you into your first day at school. I had to hit pause and reflect on the fact that I have been deep in the trenches of motherhood for the last four years. Four long, stressful, exhausting yet liberating years of my life. I had you and your brothers in a short space of time. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, postpartum depression, identity crisis, repeat, repeat, repeat. It has been an oxymoron of a journey as it has been slow and fast all at the same time. So much learning and growing, many moments of trial and error and figuring it out as I go along. Although there have been days where I wished for you to do things on your own – it is a bittersweet heartache watching you grow. 

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SINGLE MUM

I was twenty-one when I fell pregnant with Myla, a person with much healing and learning yet to do but so determined to give her the best of me. From the second I held Myla in my arms, and watched her find comfort as she curled up on my chest with her head tucked beneath my chin; that love and connection was instant. And just like that the meaning of your essence unfolds before your eyes – marking the mission of a lifetime and beyond: to love, nurture and protect. 

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DEAR ISAIAH & MICAH, NOW I UNDERSTAND

From the moment I lay eyes on the both of you it was an instant love that I cannot explain. Twin boys, I couldn’t have even imagined being blessed with such a gift.

However, from the day I met you, even though my love for you got stronger, I started to lose love for myself. Every inch of my body wanted to only love you two (and your dad of course) and I had none left for myself. For the first couple of months I didn’t notice, we were all in our little bubble with daddy but after some time the haze started to disappear and when I looked at myself I didn’t know the woman who was staring back at me.

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DEAR JOSHY, THANK YOU

My Joshy, 

First of all, thank you for choosing me to be your mummy. You were that blessing in disguise that I needed in my life.

What do I mean? Well mi gordo, I felt I needed to change my way of thinking, “I need to travel more, I need to change my social life”, but God had other plans and knew you were the addition that I needed.

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LOST AND FOUND

Lost my way whilst desperately trying to hold onto my vision, blinded by love so pure or lust so sweet – I’ll let the stars decide that one for me.

Motherhood and life caught up with me, juggling too much meant at some point I’d lose my balance.

I spent most nights last year praying to God asking him to save Love for another chapter. All I needed was more wisdom and strength to continue my most important job on this earth; being a nurturing mother, a provider and creator of the future I desire for me and little madam. But life can surprise you with unexpected sprinkles of magic.

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EVERYTHING CHANGED

When I went to confirm my pregnancy and the doctor congratulated me, it took me a whole minute to realise she wasn’t being sarcastic.

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BITTERSWEET CO-PARENTING TRUTHS

It’s something I could never have prepared for, a family dynamic I never imagined would be mine. A constant contrast between love and hate – forever searching for the middle ground. I’ve found it to be one of the hardest things I’ve experienced to date. I know some people who co-parent are best-friends say it wasn’t without it’s battles, it’s a struggle, it’s a process and an ongoing challenge. Becoming best friends from a state thought of as irreparable is undoubtedly a process, a process I’m regularly questioning the reality of.

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