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MY DEAREST RYAN JR.

My first born, you were so wanted from day one, you had my heart from the first time I saw that blue line that was barely there. 

Being your and your sister’s mother has been the biggest achievement in my life. I adore you.

10 years ago when you were placed in my arms I knew that I wanted to be the best mum ever. I knew I wanted to give you every chance in life for you to succeed. I knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy task but I’ll do my best to make sure that you fulfil every dream you had.

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LETTER TO MALIQ

Dear beautiful Maliq… First of all, let me tell you how deeply in love I am with you! The moment I found out I was pregnant I sat on my bed bawling… not because I wasn’t happy but because I was in complete shock. 

I was scared, but I knew I was destined to be your mother, I had no choice but to give you life.

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MIND – A DANGEROUS MASTER

The mind will often test your sanity, but the soul will find your light and guide you on your journey.

One after another, they cut each other up and even fight each other – it’s hard to block them out because they want to make sure I know they’re here. They don’t visit everyday but when they do I feel they like to compensate for the time they’ve not been here. If only they knew they had my permission to stay away and not disturb my peace and aura.

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THIS IS MOTHERHOOD

January 20th 2017:

I was meant to board my plane to Australia with a one way ticket to begin my adventure. From the age of 16 travelling was all I ever dreamt about. If ever asked what I wanted to achieve, “see the world” is what I’d repeatedly reply. The ultimate dream was to make money whilst travelling from city to city, country to country and work my way around the globe, literally. It wasn’t long before I began realising that hopes and dreams don’t always work that way, something else might just come your way.

I often declare that she was meant to be but the truth is I fell pregnant at 21 with nothing to give. How was that possibly ‘meant to be’? No financial foundation, family unit, or home ready to welcome her arrival – it was hardly a fairytale destined to be. The crazy thing is when the test appeared positive I was shocked but not one bit of me was scared. Though both the future and motherhood was completely unknown to me with no guarantee, she was staying and that’s all I knew. Surely I wasn’t naive enough to believe it would be a walk in the park but I guess you could say I underestimated just how much motherhood really is: a world of its own – forever evolving and blossoming yet falling and failing and around we go again – a forever lasting cycle.

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ONE YEAR LATER…

I never imagined ever reaching a point in my life where I’d own the title, ‘single mum’. A wedding, a beach wedding to be precise and a never ending fairy tale love was what I unquestionably believed awaited me. I blame Disney. And though many are blessed enough to experience the magical dream, many are not so fortunate.

Though I still carry hope that one day I may just find my Prince Charming who’ll love me forever, bless me with his name and grow old together. The dream just isn’t that simple anymore. No longer is it just I they’ll need to love, but me and mine they’ll need to cherish. I come as a package, it’s not just me you’ll need to learn about. And if it’s only half the package you desire, then we can go no further. You see now, the dream just isn’t that simple anymore. Once it was all so simple and something I wanted, but finding love just isn’t on my agenda anymore. The heartache of my family break up still breaks me daily till this day.

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DREAM BIG MYLA

Our skin to skin moments, our painfully beautiful breastfeeding sessions, our new-born days of non-stop smooches and snuggles – all feels like it was just yesterday. Time quickly vanished before my eyes, it’s only now it’s gone I realise how little of it we really had, yet in the moment it felt like it’d last a lifetime.

As each day goes by, and you get bigger, it’s the photos I look back on that remind me of just how fast your growing. I remember so vividly the days your dad and I Continue reading DREAM BIG MYLA

LITTLE PRINCESS TRUST

I remember feeling numb after being shown the scans and hearing the confirmation of my diagnosis, “Miss Vargas, what you can see in these scans are ulcers in your colon which is causing the inflammation. We can confirm you have Ulcerative Colitis. It is not curable but you will be given medication to manage the symptoms”. Calm and collected, seemingly grateful if anything, is how I presented whilst listening to the Dr tell me how my life would change forever.

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PEANUT’S FIRST BLOODY ACCIDENT

Everything stopped and panic took over – tears, screams, the lot. I never thought about what my reaction would be when Myla eventually had an accident, with blood! It was scary stuff that’s for sure. Being abroad as a solo parent made it all that bit more frightening – not knowing what immediate action to take.

Thankfully, my mother is usually a phone call away, when she decides to answer her phone that is. She has been a nanny for as long as I can remember and is first aid qualified for small children/babies. So of course, I called her straight away and her reassuring response was quick to calm me down, though I cried mostly Continue reading PEANUT’S FIRST BLOODY ACCIDENT