family – THE CONSCIOUS MUM

HAPPY BIG THREE-OHH

I’ve heard turning 30 can be a strange feeling of mixed emotions, though I won’t pretend I know what it feels like because I really don’t ha. However, if there’s one thing I do know about turning 30, is that it is definitely a milestone in ones life and should be celebrated in style.

I knew from a long while ago that whatever I chose to do for your birthday, it had to be ‘dope’ as you would say. Not merely because of the fact you were turning 30 but because I felt you truly deserved to be appreciated, recognised and praised for the man, the father, the partner, the son and the friend you are, which is nothing short of amazing.

Not many people are aware of how our relationship began and I’m sure one day I’ll write about it. But for now, let’s just say, My biggest fear wasn’t telling my parents I was having a baby, my biggest fear was telling Scott. Fearing it was something he never wanted, fearing he didn’t want to be with me and fearing he wouldn’t have wanted to be apart of the babies life. Whilst having heart palpitations when I told you because I didn’t know what you were going to say, you then gave me even bigger palpitations when you held my hand because I didn’t anticipate anything close to that. To then hear you say that we were going to do this together and the night we met you felt I could be the one. I quite literally could not believe what you were saying yet everyday since you have proved time and time again that they were not empty words.

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY

You don’t get a manual when your baby is born, however you’ll still get told all the do’s and don’ts of motherhood. Once Myla was born, without delay, family, friends, midwifes, fellow mothers insisted I breastfed her, “formula doesn’t have the nutrients and healthy stuff that your breastmilk has so you can’t take that away from her”. I tried, i really did. Truth is recovering from a C-section and learning how to breastfeed became way too challenging. So I stopped. I knew I would be judged, I knew of others who were able to breastfeed for a lot longer than I did and I knew breastmilk was the best for my baby. So inevitably guilt grew within me and it was merely unbearable.

As a mum when unable to do something you ‘should’ be doing or do differently to others, that’s when comparison can drive you insane; because I start to question if I’m doing a good job, I start to think they are doing better than me, I start feeling guilty for something and I start to fear being judged. The crazy thing is, there will always be something. Should I give her a dummy or not? So and so does or so and so doesn’t. Should I not be rocking her to sleep? Should she be sleeping on her own by now? How did that mum’s body recover so fast? How does that mum look good all the time? and How does that mum juggle everything so well?

CAESAREAN BABY

Whilst we were signing the caesarean form, midwifes gathering what they needed and Scott changing into the clothes they gave him, the energy in the room shifted. The atmosphere became less serene and more edgy as we waited for the doctors to prepare the operating theatre room.

My epidural started to fade and I could feel those stabbing pains starting to creep up again but the midwifes couldn’t top me up as the doctors were going to give me anaesthesia to numb the bottom half of my body. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a part of your body going numb and you have to move it around to get the blood flowing? It’s the most uncomfortable thing ever. Well that’s how my entire body felt from laying down in the same position for hours on end, the amount of epidural in my body and wearing those ridiculously tight hospital socks to prevent blood clots.

2ND TRIMESTER

Hey Beauties and Beasts, how you doinggg? I hope you are all happy, healthy and making the most of these warm days we’ve been lucky to have. Even though it’s not that hot, I die as soon as I get out, feeling like a melting snowman wanting to just get back inside yet I’ll be the first to complain when it’s a tad bit cold.

I swear time does not slow down for nobody, I’ve always felt days just pass me by but how time has flown by during pregnancy is something else. I can’t believe I’m already in my third trimester with only a few weeks left, absolutely mental!

1ST TRIMESTER

Hey Beauties and Beasts, hope you are all groovy.

I have one word to describe my 1st trimester, traumatising! Not even exaggerating, I really did not expect it to be as hard as it has been. I got to six weeks pregnant and I remember my aunty saying to me that she thinks I’m gonna have an easy first trimester because I still hadn’t experienced any nausea or sickness and it apparently usually kicks in at 4 weeks, obviously everyone’s different so its different for everyone! I just remember being happy when she would say this to me and I’d be like yeah course I’m a Vargas I got this man.

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