motherhood – THE CONSCIOUS MUM

FIVE YEARS OF LOVING YOU

I wouldn’t have believed it if I’d been told this would be your first birthday without me, not anywhere near to hold or kiss you. Only a mother who loves hers would understand the piercing pain in my heart. Your birthdays aren’t just a celebration of the blessing of life and how fast you’re growing; we celebrate you being the chosen one, the one who chose me and birthed a mum. The day you were born; I died and was reborn, the old me gone and the new me called mummy forever and a day. Life altering in every which way.

You taking precedence over everything I once thought I knew the second they pulled you out from my stomach. Thinking I was going the right way; but quickly diverted to my greatest blessing and proudest achievement; you.

BODY PROUD MUMS

For months, my mind was fixated on the idea there was something wrong with me. Never before have I stared at myself in the mirror feeling so broken, wishing I could shred to pieces every inch of my body that was not deemed perfect or desirable anymore.

“No one will want you”, I whispered to myself as I hid buried in my towel looking for the baggiest bottoms and jumper I owned. This was the very first time it dawned on me what had become very apparent. He replaced me with somebody he was able to put on a pedestal for the world to see, her impeccable silhouette made her the perfect trophy to display and walk proudly with his head in the clouds. I was never blind to the changes my body endured after pregnancy and birth and like many I’m sure, I would often get lost in thought about it all. But, for the first time ever I was made to feel like a woman with no longer any desired value, place or purpose in this man’s world.

A FIGHT FOR US

On a day like today exactly four years ago, I was preparing to meet you in person for the very first time. Since then, I’ve watched every milestone, witnessed you becoming a big brother twice and very soon I will be walking you into your first day at school. I had to hit pause and reflect on the fact that I have been deep in the trenches of motherhood for the last four years. Four long, stressful, exhausting yet liberating years of my life. I had you and your brothers in a short space of time. Pregnancy, breastfeeding, postpartum depression, identity crisis, repeat, repeat, repeat. It has been an oxymoron of a journey as it has been slow and fast all at the same time. So much learning and growing, many moments of trial and error and figuring it out as I go along. Although there have been days where I wished for you to do things on your own – it is a bittersweet heartache watching you grow.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SINGLE MUM

I was twenty-one when I fell pregnant with Myla, a person with much healing and learning yet to do but so determined to give her the best of me. From the second I held Myla in my arms, and watched her find comfort as she curled up on my chest with her head tucked beneath my chin; that love and connection was instant. And just like that the meaning of your essence unfolds before your eyes – marking the mission of a lifetime and beyond: to love, nurture and protect.

DEAR ISAIAH & MICAH, NOW I UNDERSTAND

From the moment I lay eyes on the both of you it was an instant love that I cannot explain. Twin boys, I couldn’t have even imagined being blessed with such a gift.

However, from the day I met you, even though my love for you got stronger, I started to lose love for myself. Every inch of my body wanted to only love you two (and your dad of course) and I had none left for myself. For the first couple of months I didn’t notice, we were all in our little bubble with daddy but after some time the haze started to disappear and when I looked at myself I didn’t know the woman who was staring back at me.

DEAR JOSHY, THANK YOU

My Joshy,

First of all, thank you for choosing me to be your mummy. You were that blessing in disguise that I needed in my life.

What do I mean? Well mi gordo, I felt I needed to change my way of thinking, “I need to travel more, I need to change my social life”, but God had other plans and knew you were the addition that I needed.

LOST AND FOUND

‘Lost my way whilst desperately trying to hold onto my vision, blinded by love so pure or lust so sweet – I’ll let the stars decide that one for me.’

Motherhood and life caught up with me, juggling too much meant at some point I’d lose my balance.

I spent most nights last year praying to God asking him to save Love for another chapter. All I needed was more wisdom and strength to continue my most important job on this earth; being a nurturing mother, a provider and creator of the future I desire for me and little madam. But life can surprise you with unexpected sprinkles of magic.

BITTERSWEET CO-PARENTING TRUTHS

It’s something I could never have prepared for, a family dynamic I never imagined would be mine. A constant contrast between love and hate – forever searching for the middle ground. I’ve found it to be one of the hardest things I’ve experienced to date. I know some people who co-parent are best-friends say it wasn’t without it’s battles, it’s a struggle, it’s a process and an ongoing challenge. Becoming best friends from a state thought of as irreparable is undoubtedly a process, a process I’m regularly questioning the reality of.

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