BODY PROUD MUMS

For months, my mind was fixated on the idea there was something wrong with me. Never before have I stared at myself in the mirror feeling so broken, wishing I could shred to pieces every inch of my body that was not deemed perfect or desirable anymore.

“No one will want you”, I whispered to myself as I hid buried in my towel looking for the baggiest bottoms and jumper I owned. This was the very first time it dawned on me what had become very apparent. He replaced me with somebody he was able to put on a pedestal for the world to see, her impeccable silhouette made her the perfect trophy to display and walk proudly with his head in the clouds. I was never blind to the changes my body endured after pregnancy and birth and like many I’m sure, I would often get lost in thought about it all. But, for the first time ever I was made to feel like a woman with no longer any desired value, place or purpose in this man’s world.

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A SINGLE MUM

I was twenty-one when I fell pregnant with Myla, a person with much healing and learning yet to do but so determined to give her the best of me. From the second I held Myla in my arms, and watched her find comfort as she curled up on my chest with her head tucked beneath my chin; that love and connection was instant. And just like that the meaning of your essence unfolds before your eyes – marking the mission of a lifetime and beyond: to love, nurture and protect. 

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LOST AND FOUND

Lost my way whilst desperately trying to hold onto my vision, blinded by love so pure or lust so sweet – I’ll let the stars decide that one for me.

Motherhood and life caught up with me, juggling too much meant at some point I’d lose my balance.

I spent most nights last year praying to God asking him to save Love for another chapter. All I needed was more wisdom and strength to continue my most important job on this earth; being a nurturing mother, a provider and creator of the future I desire for me and little madam. But life can surprise you with unexpected sprinkles of magic.

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BITTERSWEET CO-PARENTING TRUTHS

It’s something I could never have prepared for, a family dynamic I never imagined would be mine. A constant contrast between love and hate – forever searching for the middle ground. I’ve found it to be one of the hardest things I’ve experienced to date. I know some people who co-parent are best-friends say it wasn’t without it’s battles, it’s a struggle, it’s a process and an ongoing challenge. Becoming best friends from a state thought of as irreparable is undoubtedly a process, a process I’m regularly questioning the reality of.

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MIND – A DANGEROUS MASTER

The mind will often test your sanity, but the soul will find your light and guide you on your journey.

One after another, they cut each other up and even fight each other – it’s hard to block them out because they want to make sure I know they’re here. They don’t visit everyday but when they do I feel they like to compensate for the time they’ve not been here. If only they knew they had my permission to stay away and not disturb my peace and aura.

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THIS IS MOTHERHOOD

January 20th 2017:

I was meant to board my plane to Australia with a one way ticket to begin my adventure. From the age of 16 travelling was all I ever dreamt about. If ever asked what I wanted to achieve, “see the world” is what I’d repeatedly reply. The ultimate dream was to make money whilst travelling from city to city, country to country and work my way around the globe, literally. It wasn’t long before I began realising that hopes and dreams don’t always work that way, something else might just come your way.

I often declare that she was meant to be but the truth is I fell pregnant at 21 with nothing to give. How was that possibly ‘meant to be’? No financial foundation, family unit, or home ready to welcome her arrival – it was hardly a fairytale destined to be. The crazy thing is when the test appeared positive I was shocked but not one bit of me was scared. Though both the future and motherhood was completely unknown to me with no guarantee, she was staying and that’s all I knew. Surely I wasn’t naive enough to believe it would be a walk in the park but I guess you could say I underestimated just how much motherhood really is: a world of its own – forever evolving and blossoming yet falling and failing and around we go again – a forever lasting cycle.

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ONE YEAR LATER…

I never imagined ever reaching a point in my life where I’d own the title, ‘single mum’. A wedding, a beach wedding to be precise and a never ending fairy tale love was what I unquestionably believed awaited me. I blame Disney. And though many are blessed enough to experience the magical dream, many are not so fortunate.

Though I still carry hope that one day I may just find my Prince Charming who’ll love me forever, bless me with his name and grow old together. The dream just isn’t that simple anymore. No longer is it just I they’ll need to love, but me and mine they’ll need to cherish. I come as a package, it’s not just me you’ll need to learn about. And if it’s only half the package you desire, then we can go no further. You see now, the dream just isn’t that simple anymore. Once it was all so simple and something I wanted, but finding love just isn’t on my agenda anymore. The heartache of my family break up still breaks me daily till this day.

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DREAM BIG MYLA

Our skin to skin moments, our painfully beautiful breastfeeding sessions, our new-born days of non-stop smooches and snuggles – all feels like it was just yesterday. Time quickly vanished before my eyes, it’s only now it’s gone I realise how little of it we really had, yet in the moment it felt like it’d last a lifetime.

As each day goes by, and you get bigger, it’s the photos I look back on that remind me of just how fast your growing. I remember so vividly the days your dad and I Continue reading DREAM BIG MYLA