With you I’m whole that’s why I keep chasing you. I’ve searched for you everywhere, in people, places and even objects. I thought I found you, but every time, you’ve been short lived – why can’t I find you?
Being the only girl in my family, other than mother, people would assume ‘princess of the house’ was my character. I mean, I’d be lying if I said there were never moments where yes, mum, dad and David treated me like royalty. However, far from erasing the frequent and high in complexity turbulence’s that stuck to me like hot glue during my years of development, years of confusion, loneliness and escapism.
Continue reading CONSCIOUS OF THE SUBCONSCIOUS
Now that Myla is officially 6 months, she has begun her weaning process which has been exciting, though I’ve never done this before so I’ve also felt like I don’t know where to start. So, I started by giving her fruit and veg puree every now and again for the past month because she was showing signs of readiness to try some solids. No surprise, she absolutely loved it – both Scott and I are big lovers for food so not one bit shocking that she is too.
Jarred baby food is so convenient and has been for me, especially as a first time mum not knowing what I’m doing half the time – it’s a good go to. However, I also think making baby food if/when there is time, is a much healthier option for bubba. To begin with I thought making baby food would take me forever, which I didn’t want because I feel as though all I do is clean, cook and repeat as it is. But you’d be surprised – making sweet potato mash has never been so quick and simple. I added apple and cinnamon to make it a tad bit sweet but there is also a savoury option which I’ll be making next.
Continue reading SWEET POTATO, APPLE AND CINNAMON MASH MADE IN LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR
From the second the announcement, “It’s a girl” is made, it’s as though the worldly messages, expectations and rules instantly become apparent – not always spoken but unquestionably seen.
“You’ll have a say not a voice”, “you’ll never be good enough”, “you’ll be strong but not too strong”.
These three in particular were almost unescapable, so engrained that it unknowingly became part of Continue reading HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN’S DAY
It’s been 6 whole months since Myla was born and as a first time mum, I craved nothing but a natural product to use on my little one, searching for this became a little more complicated than anticipated. I’ve always been familiar with baby products yet was fairly hesitant when it came to choosing one.
A couple of months ago Myla was beginning to have dry skin around her body, nothing severe but nonetheless unpleasant. Still, I refused to use anything on her that I did not feel confident in it being truly baby friendly. As time went on, I developed concern for her dry skin and became desperate to find something that would not only work for her short term but something genuinely healthy that could be used continuously to nurture her skin.
Continue reading KOKOSO BABY COCONUT OIL
I’ve heard turning 30 can be a strange feeling of mixed emotions, though I won’t pretend I know what it feels like because I really don’t ha. However, if there’s one thing I do know about turning 30, is that it is definitely a milestone in ones life and should be celebrated in style.
I knew from a long while ago that whatever I chose to do for your birthday, it had to be ‘dope’ as you would say. Not merely because of the fact you were turning 30 but because I felt you truly deserved to be appreciated, recognised and praised for the man, the father, the partner, the son and the friend you are, which is nothing short of amazing.
Not many people are aware of how our relationship began and I’m sure one day I’ll write about it. But for now, let’s just say, My biggest fear wasn’t telling my parents I was having a baby, my biggest fear was telling Scott. Fearing it was something he never wanted, fearing he didn’t want to be with me and fearing he wouldn’t have wanted to be apart of the babies life. Whilst having heart palpitations when I told you because I didn’t know what you were going to say, you then gave me even bigger palpitations when you held my hand because I didn’t anticipate anything close to that. To then hear you say that we were going to do this together and the night we met you felt I could be the one. I quite literally could not believe what you were saying yet everyday since you have proved time and time again that they were not empty words.
Continue reading HAPPY BIG THREE-OHH
You don’t get a manual when your baby is born, however you’ll still get told all the do’s and don’ts of motherhood. Once Myla was born, without delay, family, friends, midwifes, fellow mothers insisted I breastfed her, “formula doesn’t have the nutrients and healthy stuff that your breastmilk has so you can’t take that away from her”. I tried, i really did. Truth is recovering from a C-section and learning how to breastfeed became way too challenging. So I stopped. I knew I would be judged, I knew of others who were able to breastfeed for a lot longer than I did and I knew breastmilk was the best for my baby. So inevitably guilt grew within me and it was merely unbearable.
As a mum when unable to do something you ‘should’ be doing or do differently to others, that’s when comparison can drive you insane; because I start to question if I’m doing a good job, I start to think they are doing better than me, I start feeling guilty for something and I start to fear being judged. The crazy thing is, there will always be something. Should I give her a dummy or not? So and so does or so and so doesn’t. Should I not be rocking her to sleep? Should she be sleeping on her own by now? How did that mum’s body recover so fast? How does that mum look good all the time? and How does that mum juggle everything so well?
Continue reading COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF JOY
Myla Rosanna Saunders, the name we fell in love with instantaneously. Early on in my pregnancy, Scott and I agreed this would be her name if it was a girl and to our incredible surprise, baby girl it was.
8 pounds, 9 ounces she weighed when she was born and a tiny segment of my body felt a brief sense of relief that I didn’t have her ‘naturally’. She would of annihilated me. As big as she was for a baby, in our eyes, she was teeny. Myla, an extension of us each, who stole our hearts forever, also resembled a wrinkly, aged, senior citizen. Though, during those precious moments, she couldn’t have been more dazzling. Love is beautiful, love is blind. Her first 24hours of life had Scott and I completely hypnotized by her existence. Her crinkled face, her minuscule hands and feet, her smooth skin, her plumped lips, her buttoned nose, her slightly curled eyelashes, her hamster like cheeks, her gunky hair and her baby smell became our obsession.
Continue reading MYLA ROSANNA SAUNDERS VARGAS
Whilst we were signing the caesarean form, midwifes gathering what they needed and Scott changing into the clothes they gave him, the energy in the room shifted. The atmosphere became less serene and more edgy as we waited for the doctors to prepare the operating theatre room.
My epidural started to fade and I could feel those stabbing pains starting to creep up again but the midwifes couldn’t top me up as the doctors were going to give me anaesthesia to numb the bottom half of my body. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a part of your body going numb and you have to move it around to get the blood flowing? It’s the most uncomfortable thing ever. Well that’s how my entire body felt from laying down in the same position for hours on end, the amount of epidural in my body and wearing those ridiculously tight hospital socks to prevent blood clots.
Continue reading CAESAREAN BABY