I wouldn’t have believed it if I’d been told this would be your first birthday without me, not anywhere near to hold or kiss you. Only a mother who loves hers would understand the piercing pain in my heart. Your birthdays aren’t just a celebration of the blessing of life and how fast you’re growing; we celebrate you being the chosen one, the one who chose me and birthed a mum. The day you were born; I died and was reborn, the old me gone and the new me called mummy forever and a day. Life altering in every which way.
You taking precedence over everything I once thought I knew the second they pulled you out from my stomach. Thinking I was going the right way; but quickly diverted to my greatest blessing and proudest achievement; you.
For months, my mind was fixated on the idea there was something wrong with me. Never before have I stared at myself in the mirror feeling so broken, wishing I could shred to pieces every inch of my body that was not deemed perfect or desirable anymore.
“No one will want you”, I whispered to myself as I hid buried in my towel looking for the baggiest bottoms and jumper I owned. This was the very first time it dawned on me what had become very apparent. He replaced me with somebody he was able to put on a pedestal for the world to see, her impeccable silhouette made her the perfect trophy to display and walk proudly with his head in the clouds. I was never blind to the changes my body endured after pregnancy and birth and like many I’m sure, I would often get lost in thought about it all. But, for the first time ever I was made to feel like a woman with no longer any desired value, place or purpose in this man’s world.
‘Lost my way whilst desperately trying to hold onto my vision, blinded by love so pure or lust so sweet – I’ll let the stars decide that one for me.’
Motherhood and life caught up with me, juggling too much meant at some point I’d lose my balance.
I spent most nights last year praying to God asking him to save Love for another chapter. All I needed was more wisdom and strength to continue my most important job on this earth; being a nurturing mother, a provider and creator of the future I desire for me and little madam. But life can surprise you with unexpected sprinkles of magic.
It’s something I could never have prepared for, a family dynamic I never imagined would be mine. A constant contrast between love and hate – forever searching for the middle ground. I’ve found it to be one of the hardest things I’ve experienced to date. I know some people who co-parent are best-friends say it wasn’t without it’s battles, it’s a struggle, it’s a process and an ongoing challenge. Becoming best friends from a state thought of as irreparable is undoubtedly a process, a process I’m regularly questioning the reality of.
My first born, you were so wanted from day one, you had my heart from the first time I saw that blue line that was barely there.
Being your and your sister’s mother has been the biggest achievement in my life. I adore you.
10 years ago when you were placed in my arms I knew that I wanted to be the best mum ever. I knew I wanted to give you every chance in life for you to succeed. I knew that this wasn’t going to be an easy task but I’ll do my best to make sure that you fulfil every dream you had.
Dear beautiful Maliq… First of all, let me tell you how deeply in love I am with you! The moment I found out I was pregnant I sat on my bed bawling… not because I wasn’t happy but because I was in complete shock.
I was scared, but I knew I was destined to be your mother, I had no choice but to give you life.
The mind will often test your sanity, but the soul will find your light and guide you on your journey.
One after another, they cut each other up and even fight each other – it’s hard to block them out because they want to make sure I know they’rehere. They don’t visit everyday but when they do I feel they like to compensate for the time they’ve not been here. If only they knew they had my permission to stay away and not disturb my peace and aura.