Category: Uncategorized

I wouldn’t have believed it if I’d been told this would be your first birthday without me, not anywhere near to hold or kiss you. Only a mother who loves hers would understand the piercing pain in my heart. Your birthdays aren’t just a celebration of the blessing of life and how fast you’re growing; we celebrate you being the chosen one, the one who chose me and birthed a mum. The day you were born; I died and was reborn, the old me gone and the new me called mummy forever and a day. Life altering in every which way.

You taking precedence over everything I once thought I knew the second they pulled you out from my stomach. Thinking I was going the right way; but quickly diverted to my greatest blessing and proudest achievement; you.

For months, my mind was fixated on the idea there was something wrong with me. Never before have I stared at myself in the mirror feeling so broken, wishing I could shred to pieces every inch of my body that was not deemed perfect or desirable anymore.

“No one will want you”, I whispered to myself as I hid buried in my towel looking for the baggiest bottoms and jumper I owned. This was the very first time it dawned on me what had become very apparent. He replaced me with somebody he was able to put on a pedestal for the world to see, her impeccable silhouette made her the perfect trophy to display and walk proudly with his head in the clouds. I was never blind to the changes my body endured after pregnancy and birth and like many I’m sure, I would often get lost in thought about it all. But, for the first time ever I was made to feel like a woman with no longer any desired value, place or purpose in this man’s world.